Boarded

Mt. Saint Helens from 11C Alaska Airlines

“Good morning. Are you guys still sleeping 😴?” - the text from driver (family friend).

The anxiety of flight, one day I tell myself, private.

Leukemia and heart attack two words that were not in my conscious. I won’t touch terminal diagnosis only the heart attack.

Did I have a heart attack? No. At least not yet. I smile when I say it, share it. Not because it’s a joke more because i think it was a pre warning. My blood pressure was and admittedly is elevated re: 182 / 105. Stroke out, also two words I actually, have never thought about. So as I sit in 11C and write this I am overcome with anxiety. There is no outward show, I’m listening to music; writing helps, I’ve pissed twice (normally once) yes that guy that walked to the back during the boarding. The Assyrian song is helping little. My bpm is 77. Switching to peloton meditation. This flight is normally equally fun and long. New York City. I still do not believe it.

Before I left the house this morning I kissed the cat, Ashley and my parents. Everyone saying don’t go, stay. In another world maybe, in my mind we got shit to do. I’m going back to college. That’s how NYC feels. I’m going back, home, to learn, to live. Yes I love it. Constantly I’m pinching myself, shaking my head, this is the life I built, wanted and a very distant voice almost so distant it shouldn’t warrant a sentence - are you sure?

I answer YES loudly.

My anxiety is fading. I don’t know if it’s that last sentence, the peloton meditation or that so far, no one has occupied the seat next to me. Dear god please give me this win. I look up, the front door is open. Shut the door, shut the door I chant in my head. Trying to close the door with my mind. Holy shit it closed lol. Ok back to writing.

This is a five and half hour flight I am going to be ok. Wow what a sense. Nice Mark. I try to making eye contact with my seat mate to fist bump the win, he’s staring down at his phone intently.

We taxi for a bit, take off.

I’m comfortable ish. Slightly heightened, at least I have room. I bring my Bose headphones, the hand held nostalgic 1000 games in one Chinese knockoff game boy to distract me while I wait for the wifi to connect, $8 later. Ah all my scheduled posts are out, nice, let’s see who my real friends are. So funny.

Ok thank you for joining.

See you in NYC.

-MM

***The flight was only 4 hrs and 22 minutes.